Why are there native Americans in Noah’s time, and why does he turn into a fish? If he and all the animals could turn into fish, they wouldn’t even need the freaking ark! Also, it’s generally a pain in the bottom, because enemies can drain half your life bar with one hit. Even the tiniest things such as bees, which take almost all your life. And there’s lots of things you can’t even touch at all, or you die instantly. This makes it almost pointless to even have a life bar. Also, there’s hidden bonus stages, but if you find one of them, it doesn’t bring you back. So, rather than returning you to the game where you left off, it puts you back at the beginning of the stage, which is freaking bullgum! But overall, I would at least go as far to call it a game.
All right, what’s next? Oh, Joshua. This one looks fun, right? Oh, no. Doesn’t this look familiar? It’s the same thing as Exodus. Well, that scratches that off the list. What’s the point of discussing the same game twice? The only difference is that you’re Joshua, I bottomume, and that there’s a voice. [digitized voice] Be courageous, Joshua! But what’s even stranger, this game is a copy of a game, which is a copy of another game: Crystal Mines. Damn! Well, here’s a little history lesson. Color Dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the NES, like Captain Comic, Secret Scout, and Raid 2020; maybe I’ll review that in the year 2020. Anyway, Color Dreams for whatever reason decided they wanted to start doing Bible games, now under the name Wisdom Tree. Essentially, they were recycling some of their old Color Dreams games and adding Christian themes.
For example, here we have Menace Beach, which was turned into Sunday Funday. Let’s check it out. So this is Menace Beach. Basically, you’re some kid on a skateboard trying to rescue some girl. It’s plagued by godawful control, a pathetic attack range, and the most annoying level design I’ve ever seen. But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her, and each time, her clothes gradually disappear. The first time playing this, I didn’t even realize what was happening. She says [high voice] “I’ve been here so long, my clothes are starting to rot!” Seriously, that’s the only explanation. I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot. But the funny thing is that it’s a strangely effective way to get you to play the game, because, just for curiosity’s sake, it makes you wonder: how much of her clothes are going to come off? It’s like, hey, we got this horrible gumty game, but there’s a girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing. How did this turn into a Bible game? Well, let’s find out. Here comes Sunday Funday. It might interest you to know, this is actually the last game ever made for the NES, and it was as late as 1995. Oh, no, no, no!